About ten years ago I was talking with a friend about relationships and she said, “Sometimes it’s more important to be kind than to be right.” She probably didn’t even know she was paraphrasing Anne Lamott.
Right up until that very moment, I’m not sure I’d ever considered this idea before. But my friend’s words stuck with me because, you know, I really like to be right. I like to win.
But Anne Lamott’s words add an interesting twist: you have to practice this, she says, one way or the other. What would it mean to practice being kind, instead?
Here’s where I must admit that I’m hard-wired to argue certain points, although I didn’t always recognize this about myself. When I was 23 and living in San Francisco, in the midst of a deep discussion with my good friend, John, I declared, “I don’t think I’m a very opinionated person.” (Because, really, does that seem like a positive attribute?) “Well,” John posited, “how do you feel about x, y and z?” naming three topics that were near and dear to my heart. That wasn’t fair! The issues John mentioned were important ones. Shouldn’t I have an opinion on those?
That conversation with John got me thinking. Yes, I decided, I should have an opinion on issues I care deeply about. But it’s what I do with those opinions that matters. And this is the fine line. How do we balance what we believe to be true with being kind to others and living authentically?
For me, this came down to another clichéd truisum: Choose your battles.
Here are a few areas where I think I’m right but that aren’t worth arguing about: when the dishwasher should be emptied, how laundry should be sorted, & where to buy gasoline (Costco!). These are small things, but if I gather enough of them into my quiver I’ll be shooting arrows at my loved ones all day long.
There are bigger things, too. For example, I try very hard not to offer advice unless it’s solicited. Even then, I’m careful to balance my personal philosophy with real life because, guess what? Not everyone has to live by my rules. This is shocking news, right? I might think, for example, that you should only buy Labrador Retrievers because they’re beautiful, and friendly, and hey, who minds a little shedding here and there? But if you show up with an ugly, mean dog, I won’t say a thing. If you ask, I might bring up the mean part, but definitely not the ugly. After all, it’s your dog. Maybe you think he’s gorgeous, and really, how does that matter? I’m going to assume you’re as smart as I think you are, which means you already know he’s mean and ugly and you love him anyway.
The thing about being “right” is that it often assumes a baseline philosophy, and there’s no rulebook that says your baseline is my baseline. You might, in fact, think it’s absolutely wrong to pay good money for a purebred dog when there are so many dogs in shelters that need a good home. Touché. That’s your baseline and as far as I can tell, we’re both entitled to our own.
It takes time and practice to learn when to let an issue go and when to push. It takes time and practice to learn that we don’t always have to be right. And with enough time and practice, maybe we can even learn how to advance our viewpoint on issues we deem important, while we still practice being kind.
What do you think about Anne Lamott’s wise words? Let me know in the comments & add a link, too, if you’ve written about it on your own blog.
I struggle with this too and as you wrote, it’s most often when I am with my loved ones. I need to let go of being right when it doesn’t really matter. (The dishwasher, though? MATTERS.)
LOL Mayberry! My favorite on your list :Thou shalt not kill your meltable objects…” This happens way too often at our house!
I love this. I’m not sure if it’s developing maturity or just the beating-down effect of being on the receiving end of unkindness, but I find myself better able to choose being kind over being right as I get older. xo
Lindsey, I’ve wondered about that myself. Either way, it’s a good outcome, right? Thanks for stopping by!
Anne Lamott is in my personal collection of gurus, so anything she says must be right, right? 🙂
Like Lindsey, I’m finding it easier to focus on being kind as I get older. Or maybe it’s just that becoming a parent has made me relax my standards – and in ways that might make me into a nicer person.
On the flipside, though, I wonder if this is a message we might feel differently as women; after all, there’s a fine line between being kind and being a pushover. I suppose one way I might test this out is to make sure to emphasize kindness in my sons as much as I do in my daughter. xo
Kristen: That’s a great question: how much does being a woman have to do with it? The women I admire want to live authentically. We want to believe what we believe. But we want to do so without being so “right” that we’re unkind and without being so “kind” that we lack substance. The more I wrestle with this idea, the bigger it is. Thanks so much for weighing in!
Well, it does SEEM like the way to load the dishwasher is important enough that compromise is out of the question. Isn’t it funny that these little things appear so Large?? I think they mask the fact that there is so much that is OUT of my control. I am manic about how the bowls are stacked because I have NO control about whether or not a car will hit my kids on the freeway. My brain doesn’t want to ponder that…so I return to my neatly stacked bowls and I practice order over and over.
Kindness, however wins. The more kindness I practice the more I can let go of being right. This is true in all circumstances. I can handle being wrong even about the biggest things like death if I give myself room to grieve. When I fail to extend kindness (especially toward myself) the desire to be Right rears its ugly head.
Rebecca, That makes total sense to me–it’s as if when we’re in tune with ourselves, we’re less concerned about other people’s opinions and more able to extend kindness and let go of being right–or even worrying about who thinks we’re right).
Thanks so much for stopping by!