Category Archives: relationships

How Travel Affects Whether We Wear Lipstick to the Bus Stop

You read the “Why I’m Not A Dirty Mom” blog post, right? If some way, somehow, you missed it, well, there’s the link. In it, the writer explains why she prefers to look her best, whether she’s headed out for dinner or driving to the pre-school drop off line.

I watched the ensuing uproar with a touch of amusement. Must we always argue, ladies? If a girl likes to wear lipstick to the grocery store, I say let her wear lipstick. If another prefers yoga pants and a baseball cap, more power to her. One doesn’t diminish the other.

If you see me out and about I’ll be wearing high heels, flip flops, tennis shoes, leather boots, dark jeans, khaki capris, dresses (holla, Athleta), yoga pants, black pants, and who knows what else depending on the day. I have kids. I work. I like yoga. I play basketball. I have girlfriends I MUST meet for lunch. I don’t make the same effort every day. And this doesn’t bother me one bit.

My hair and clothes don’t define me.

And what does all of this have to do with travel, the theme I’m writing about this month? I’m glad you asked!

Here’s the quote for this week:

“When you’re traveling, you are what you are right there and then. People don’t have your past to hold against you. No yesterdays on the road.” – William Least Heat-Moon (pen name of William Lewis Trogdon)

Stop and let that sink in.

“You are what you are right there and then.”

Fantastic. And I love this part:

“No yesterdays on the road.”

When we’re in a new place, with new people, they have no idea what we wore last week. They don’t know if we’re kind or cruel or a little loopy, either. There’s a weird kind of beauty in the not knowing, I think. Travel gives us space, a freedom to be our truest self.

I would argue, though, that the purpose of finding this self when we travel is to bring her home with us, to continue to pursue, and fully define, our own sense of self. Our values. Our important things. Instead of worrying about whether we “should” wear lipstick to the bus stop, we need to figure out if we want to wear lipstick to the bus stop. That, my friends, is the key. And it’s harder than it sounds.

But when we answer to our truest self, we’ll be one step closer to making decisions that are right for us. And one big step away from worrying about what anyone else thinks. Maybe it’s time to book a flight.

Have you experienced this kind of freedom when you’ve traveled? Leave your thoughts in the comments, or link up if you’d like to write your own post on these Wise Words.

“You can either practice being right or practice being kind.” – Anne Lamott

About ten years ago I was talking with a friend about relationships and she said, “Sometimes it’s more important to be kind than to be right.” She probably didn’t even know she was paraphrasing Anne Lamott.

Right up until that very moment, I’m not sure I’d ever considered this idea before. But my friend’s words stuck with me because, you know, I really like to be right. I like to win.

photo by Melissa Gray

But Anne Lamott’s words add an interesting twist: you have to practice this, she says, one way or the other. What would it mean to practice being kind, instead?

Here’s where I must admit that I’m hard-wired to argue certain points, although I didn’t always recognize this about myself. When I was 23 and living in San Francisco, in the midst of a deep discussion with my good friend, John, I declared, “I don’t think I’m a very opinionated person.” (Because, really, does that seem like a positive attribute?) “Well,” John posited, “how do you feel about x, y and z?” naming three topics that were near and dear to my heart. That wasn’t fair! The issues John mentioned were important ones. Shouldn’t I have an opinion on those?

That conversation with John got me thinking. Yes, I decided, I should have an opinion on issues I care deeply about. But it’s what I do with those opinions that matters. And this is the fine line. How do we balance what we believe to be true with being kind to others and living authentically?

For me, this came down to another clichéd truisum: Choose your battles.

Here are a few areas where I think I’m right but that aren’t worth arguing about: when the dishwasher should be emptied, how laundry should be sorted, & where to buy gasoline (Costco!). These are small things, but if I gather enough of them into my quiver I’ll be shooting arrows at my loved ones all day long.

my super cute lab puppy

There are bigger things, too. For example, I try very hard not to offer advice unless it’s solicited. Even then, I’m careful to balance my personal philosophy with real life because, guess what? Not everyone has to live by my rules. This is shocking news, right? I might think, for example, that you should only buy Labrador Retrievers because they’re beautiful, and friendly, and hey, who minds a little shedding here and there? But if you show up with an ugly, mean dog, I won’t say a thing. If you ask, I might bring up the mean part, but definitely not the ugly. After all, it’s your dog. Maybe you think he’s gorgeous, and really, how does that matter? I’m going to assume you’re as smart as I think you are, which means you already know he’s mean and ugly and you love him anyway.

The thing about being “right” is that it often assumes a baseline philosophy, and there’s no rulebook that says your baseline is my baseline. You might, in fact, think it’s absolutely wrong to pay good money for a purebred dog when there are so many dogs in shelters that need a good home. Touché. That’s your baseline and as far as I can tell, we’re both entitled to our own.

It takes time and practice to learn when to let an issue go and when to push. It takes time and practice to learn that we don’t always have to be right. And with enough time and practice, maybe we can even learn how to advance our viewpoint on issues we deem important, while we still practice being kind.

What do you think about Anne Lamott’s wise words? Let me know in the comments & add a link, too, if you’ve written about it on your own blog.

Wise Words: Be Right or Be Kind?

Last week, I wrote about George Washington’s advice that “‘tis better to be alone than in bad company.” Mayberry Mom and Velveteen Mama weighed in with thoughts of their own, and I think we all generally agreed on this: we need time alone and it’s hard to come by.

This week, on Wednesday, I’ll be writing about these wise words by Anne Lamott:

“You can either practice being right or practice being kind.”

photo by Melvin Schlubman

Oooh, it’s a good one, right?

Can you relate to this quote? I’d love to know if you try to apply this idea, if you’re successful (and if so, how?), or if you generally disagree with it.

You can link up with your thoughts on Wednesday (details on the Wise Words discussion here).