Category Archives: tweens and teens

Teens and Dating

One of the very first blogs that I liked, that I read regularly, was Chris’ Notes from the Trenches.  She was homeschooling her brood at the time, lived in a different state, and kept me laughing and nodding my head with every single post.

photo credit: danorth1

Those of you who read this blog regularly know that I have some strong feelings on kids and media–I’ve even published a book about it. As a mom, I worry about sexting, put iTunes songs through a lyrics check, and think that a group of kids hanging out together ought to put their phones away and hang out with each other, for goodness sakes.

What’s all that have to do with Chris from Notes from the Trenches?  She also happens to write for alphamom, and recent wrote this post about teens and dating.  If you’re the parent of a teenage boy, you’ve got to pop over and read it.  Although her son’s experience may be a bit extreme, this is the kind of stuff that goes on.  For real. I found myself nodding in agreement more often that I’d like to admit.

If you have a teenage daughter, as several of my close friends do, fair warning:  Chris’ post is about her son’s aggressive girlfriend.  And I will say right here and now that my friends’ daughters are not a part of this crazy club.  They are so far from this kind of aggressive–any kind of aggressive, even–that they’re in an entirely different class of kid.

So it’s not that all girls are aggressive.  It’s that the ones who are, really are.

As grown-up girls ourselves, I think most moms would agree that this has been true of boys through the ages.  Would you agree?  I certainly knew non-aggressive boys who were perfectly nice dates and others with whom I wouldn’t have wanted to be alone in a dark room on any day of the year.

So why all the thoughts about girls?  I think it’s because this kind of forwardness, this really aggressive behavior is newer for girls.  I’m not sure exactly what the impetus is–maybe it’s easier to be aggressive via texting or email, maybe girls are more assertive earlier (a good thing) and are confused about how assertiveness and sexuality co-exist peacefully; maybe “love” seems more real, sooner, because kids don’t connect by passing notes in class, but by texting and Facebooking each other endlessly.

Regardless of why, and regardless of whether we’re parents of boys or girls, we’re all parents.  And every parent I know is trying their best to raise kids who are kind and thoughtful and decent.  None of us want our sons or daughters to be overly aggressive dates or spouses.  So, I point you to Chris’ post in order to get you thinking, right along with me.

How Being A Mean Mom Fosters Friendship

When you have 18+ 12-year old boys coming to your house for a pizza party & movie night, you need to think a few things through before they arrive.
So I did.
I thought about the weather. I thought about how we were doomed if it rained, and I spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about how on earth I would entertain a million 12-year old boys inside for 4 endless hours.
I thought about the friendships. With a group that large, there are bound to be smaller groups of closer friends. I thought hard about how to make sure everyone was included without looming over the party treating them like they were 4-year olds.
I thought about food. Everything I don’t buy during the rest of the year was included: Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, Doritos of every flavor, orange soda, grape soda…the list of poisons was endless. One boy actually requested an apple. An apple! I would’ve given him ten, or ten dollars, but he was happy with one Granny Smith apple. God bless him.
I thought about a lot of things, but I didn’t think of everything. I forgot about their phones.
One friend came early to help us get ready. He was here for about 4 minutes, when I realized my error. He’d already sent 4 text messages, and had looked at his phone more often that he’d looked at any of us. And you know what? He’s not my son, so if that’s okay with his mom and dad at his house, more power to them. He’s a nice kid & I’m glad he’s friends with my son. But I can add.
And I can multiply. And there was no way I was having 18 cell phones whipped out every other second so kids could converse with someone other than the 17 friends standing right next to them.
In that moment, I decided to make the announcement.
After the boys had all arrived, and before they took off to start the best two-hand touch football game I’ve seen for quite some time, I gathered them for the news.

“Boys,” I said sweetly, “Welcome to our house. I forgot to let you all know that this is a CELL PHONE FREE PARTY. You can call or text your mom or dad, of course, but otherwise, I’d prefer if you left your phones alone during the party.”

Deep breath.
“Okay.”
“Sure.”
“That’s fine.”
And one by one, they put them back into their pockets without a second thought.
Except for one boy. The one with the ear buds still dangling. He dared to challenge, but I held my ground. After all, you never have to accept an invitation to our house, but if you do, you gotta follow our rules.
I’m mean like that.
The 4 hours flew by, the rain held off until we started the movie, and no one else complained about the phones. I loved watching the boys with their silly jokes and their wild behavior and their hearty laughter. I loved that they were fully present, not half there, not distracted by something funnier or cooler or much more important than the event at hand. I loved watching them connect with one another.
And to that end–to helping kids foster-friendships, live in the present, and enjoy the life that’s right there in front of them–to that end, I’ll be a meany any day.