Monthly Archives: March 2009

How Involved Should Grandma Be?

family, Parenting

My husband and I both grew up on the east coast, but haven’t lived there since we got married.  It’s hard for both of us to believe, but it’s true, nonetheless.

Living away from where we grew up means many things, from the occasional cultural gap with our friends to traveling for holidays to talking to Grandma and Grandpa using a webcam and SKYPE.  Still, our parents are as hands-on with our kids as they can be from 10 and 12 hours away.  (See mine in the photo, taking my kids into DC.  Good sports!  Brave souls!)  They visit often, try to make it out for different sports seasons, and are (mostly) happy to chip in and babysit when my husband and I need to get out of Dodge for awhile. 

One of the few advantages, I suppose, to living this far away is that we don’t have to deal with either of these situations:

  1. Our parents live in the same town, but aren’t the slightest bit interested in babysitting.  Not only do they give us our space, they create more than we’d like. 
  2. Our parents live nearby and are so integral to our family that we couldn’t function without them, even though maybe we should.  Our needs come before theirs, and they still help us solve our problems.

Both of these scenarios are addressed in Joanne Kaufman’s article yesterday, in the NYTimes, When Grandma Can’t Be Bothered.  But, clearly, the article focuses on Scenario A, calling these women “glam-mas.”  In the article, Kaufman quotes writer Catherine Conners’ mother:

“I raised two children whom I love dearly, “ she said.  “I was a stay-at-home mom.  Then I discovered when I started my own career that there was a whole other world out there.”

I think this is interesting for two reasons:

1)    Grandma Conners is unapologetic for her stance.  She loves her kids, she loves her grandkids, but she’s been there and done that.  Enough said.

2)    Don’t we all want our children to find their own way?  Isn’t that what Grandma Conners has done?  Is this all bad?

I wonder if there isn’t a happy medium here.  I mean, of course we know there is, but does it exist in the real world?  Do your parents or in-laws live nearby?  Do you find yourself fitting tidily into Scenario A or B above?  If not, how have you managed it?  Did you have to set parameters?  Did your healthy relationship evolve naturally?  If you had one piece of advice for new parents with nearby grandparents, what would it be?

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Finding Happiness in Marriage

marriage, Wedded Bliss

Last week, I read a post, by Carrien, about marriage.  And then, on Sunday, our pastor talked about the same thing.  Both of them addressed the importance of setting realistic expectations.  Coincidence?  Sure.  But, still, happiness in marriage has been on my mind.

Now, the idea that we need to have realistic expectations isn’t exactly news to me. I’ve been married for almost 17 years: I know a bit about expectations and meeting, or completely failing to meet, them. Also, I’ve written about expectations before because I’ve long believed that our experience with any given situation is directly related to the expectations we set beforehand. Why should marriage be any different?

Read the rest of my thoughts on the relationship between expectations and marriage and happiness over at Blissfully Wed (aka Wedded Bliss) today.  Stop on by & check it out!

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The Top 8 Things You Can Do Now to Help Your Child Develop Media Literacy

media, Parenting

This morning, you won’t find me at home.  Nope.  Not gonna be here.

This morning I’ll be a bit north of here, speaking to a group of moms about media literacy, something I’m passionate about.  It’s so crucial for us, as parents, to help our kids understand that there is a message behind all forms of media, from TV to music to movies to this blog.  Helping our kids learn to ascertain what that message is, who’s behind it, and to think through whether or not they agree with it is a powerful gift we can give them.  I strongly suggest starting now!
With that in mind, here’s my list of the Top 8 Things You Can Do Now to Help Your Child Develop Media Literacy:

  1. Take the time to articulate your family’s values & beliefs.  Display them in a prominent place in your home.  Teach your kids to base their decisions on these values.
  2. If there’s a TV in your child’s bedroom, take it out.  If not, keep it that way!  This isn’t just me—it’s a recommendation of the American Academy of Pediatrics.
  3. Watch TV or listen to music with your child.  Talk about what you see and hear.  Keep them actively thinking, rather than passively watching or listening.
  4. Encourage your kids to learn more about who and what is behind the shows or music they enjoy.
  5. Allow older kids more input and let them make mistakes.  If you permit them to watch or listen to something you disagree with, discuss it afterwards.  Respect your children’s opinion.  Sometimes we need to agree to disagree.  But, as parents, we also have the right to insist that kids respect our family’s values.
  6. Watch movies together that spark discussions.  Nell Minow suggests some in her book, The Movie Mom’s Guide to Family Movies.  So does Bob Smithouser in Movie Nights: 25 Movies to Spark Spiritual Discussions With Your Teen.  Find one you like & use it – we’re not on our own here.
  7. Put your computer in a prominent spot in your home.  Use a good parental filter.
  8. Be a good role model.  Our kids know what we read and watch, and how much time we spend online or on the couch gazing at the TV.  They know when we live our family values, too.

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