Category Archives: family

How Involved Should Grandma Be?

March 5, 2009family, ParentingKirsetin

My husband and I both grew up on the east coast, but haven’t lived there since we got married. It’s hard for both of us to believe, but it’s true, nonetheless.

Living away from where we grew up means many things, from the occasional cultural gap with our friends to traveling for holidays to talking to Grandma and Grandpa using a webcam and SKYPE. Still, our parents are as hands-on with our kids as they can be from 10 and 12 hours away. (See mine in the photo, taking my kids into DC. Good sports! Brave souls!) They visit often, try to make it out for different sports seasons, and are (mostly) happy to chip in and babysit when my husband and I need to get out of Dodge for awhile.

One of the few advantages, I suppose, to living this far away is that we don’t have to deal with either of these situations:

Our parents live in the same town, but aren’t the slightest bit interested in babysitting. Not only do they give us our space, they create more than we’d like.
Our parents live nearby and are so integral to our family that we couldn’t function without them, even though maybe we should. Our needs come before theirs, and they still help us solve our problems.

Both of these scenarios are addressed in Joanne Kaufman’s article yesterday, in the NYTimes, When Grandma Can’t Be Bothered. But, clearly, the article focuses on Scenario A, calling these women “glam-mas.” In the article, Kaufman quotes writer Catherine Conners’ mother:

“I raised two children whom I love dearly, “ she said. “I was a stay-at-home mom. Then I discovered when I started my own career that there was a whole other world out there.”

I think this is interesting for two reasons:

1) Grandma Conners is unapologetic for her stance. She loves her kids, she loves her grandkids, but she’s been there and done that. Enough said.

2) Don’t we all want our children to find their own way? Isn’t that what Grandma Conners has done? Is this all bad?

I wonder if there isn’t a happy medium here. I mean, of course we know there is, but does it exist in the real world? Do your parents or in-laws live nearby? Do you find yourself fitting tidily into Scenario A or B above? If not, how have you managed it? Did you have to set parameters? Did your healthy relationship evolve naturally? If you had one piece of advice for new parents with nearby grandparents, what would it be?

4 Simple Ways to Say I Love You

February 7, 2009activities for kids, blog blast, family, marriage, mother's dayKirsetin

Showing love comes easier for some than others, wouldn’t you agree? If you’re one of those people who are all hugs and kisses and moonbeams, it’s probably easy-peasy for you. But for the rest of us, those who are still wondering what moonbeams are and how to find them, it can be a bit more difficult. Our culture doesn’t encourage showing love as much as it encourages lust. Don’t believe me? Take another look at those Super Bowl commercials. Funny, yes. But if we want to help our kids demonstrate love, we’re on our own.

Here are a few things our family does to share the love:

The Video/DVD: I’ve received these for various occasions, including Mother’s Day and my birthday. The one I received for Mother’s Day remains one of my favorite gifts of all time. My husband and the boys created a Top Ten Things We Love About Mom video, which, as you can imagine, brought tears to my eyes. And as much as I enjoyed watching my precious boys act out the things they loved about me, I understood that this was also an act of love from my husband. You can’t have a better Mother’s Day than that.

The Scrapbook: If you’re the type that faithfully records your family events in a scrapbook or album, or if you worship at the alter of Creative Memories, you get this one immediately. Putting together a small scrapbook to celebrate an occasion, a special year, or a trip together is a great way to demonstrate love. What if you don’t have a crafty bone in your body? Not to worry. Simply upload your photos to a site like Blurb. Slide and drop the pictures onto pre-formatted pages, and they’ll print a lovely hardcover scrapbook for you. You’ll never even have to go near a Michaels.

The One-on-One Date: When my third son was born, I realized that time alone with each boy was a valuable commodity. To make sure life didn’t pass us by, we scheduled monthly “dates.” These dates don’t have to be expensive or complicated. Sometimes we take a board game to the café in Barnes and Noble, buy some treats, and play for an hour or so. Other days we ride bikes around the lake. Occasionally we go out to dinner, just the two of us. I remember one meal in particular, a dinner at a Chinese restaurant with my oldest son. As I sat there, enjoying the conversation and watching him order General Tso Chicken, I could see him growing up before my eyes. It’s one of those moments that’s burned into my being. Sometimes we have to step out of the ordinary routine to really experience our kids and love them where they are.

The Take-A-Break Gift: Let’s face it. While we all love our families dearly, there are times when we need a break. We need an hour, a day, a weekend, some tiny bit of time all to ourselves so we can regroup and recharge. I have one friend who’s really good at this. The rest of us fail regularly. Spouses who understand that a little time alone is good for the soul are worth their weight in gold. One of the biggest investments we can make in our spouse’s well being is to help him (or for him to help us), take this time. (Yep, I’m working this angle for a weekend away. Of course I am!)

The thing about love is that the old adage is true: Actions do speak louder than words. It’s so nice to be told, “I love you,” but so much more powerful when it’s accompanied by action.

This post was written for Parent Blogger’s Network’s blog blast. They’re collaborating this week with LIFE, a non-profit Life and Health Insurance Foundation for Education. Check here for other great posts about love.

photo credits:Joe Shlabotnik, petit hiboux, donger, superash, fresh head films, and BeccaG

Take Your Kids to the Symphony

January 18, 2009activities for kids, celebrities, family, hard workKirsetin

As you might imagine, the top event of the weekend for three boys does not involve buttoning up an oxford shirt, pulling on freshly-pressed khakis, and slipping into the dreaded loafers, only to have to sit still for 2+ hours while listening to music. “What will we do there, mom?” my second son asked. “Just sit and listen?”

Nonetheless…

This weekend, we did exactly that. This wasn’t a kid-oriented performance, either. We’ve been to those; they’re short, sweet, and aimed right at the kids. But Peter and the Wolf and Green Eggs and Ham are an entirely different scenario from a “real” night at the symphony. With babies crying in the next aisle over and kids passing goldfish around like trading cards, the kids’ productions don’t call for top-notch behavior. Sitting next to people who haven’t spend time with kids in decades changes the dynamic a bit!

We decided to risk the change in dynamics and took the boys along to Saturday night’s not-to-miss performance. Victor Vanacore, a Grammy winning composer, conductor, and pianist, who has worked with Ray Charles, The Jackson 5, Johnny Mathis, and Barry Manilow, brought his show of salsa and mambo music to our little corner of the world. He wowed us with his enthusiasm and energy. He inspired us with his dedication and excitement. He made us want to move to the Caribbean to hear more of this delightful sound.

We were banking on this delightfulness, of course. We hoped that by taking them to hear salsa and mambo, we’d up the odds of them actually enjoying the show, much more so than if we took them to a traditional night with straight-up classical tunes. It was the perfect opportunity to ease them in with something a little more uptempo and fun. Our youngest plays my old steel drum band CD endlessly, so we knew he’d like it. Our eldest loved it, too. He’s taken piano for years and is learning the drums at school, so he has a good deal of appreciation for just how much practice goes into getting those notes exactly right. Our second son pretty much just endured it, dropping his head to his hands every now and then, wondering when this was all going to end. Because we’re not above a little bribery, we indulged him with Sierra Mist and lifesavers at intermission. This simple act went a long way towards boosting his spirits and may have given us another chance at taking him again.

In the end, however, there was an entirely unexpected bonus to the night. As we watched Victor Vanacore play and lead and thoroughly enjoy himself, my eldest son remarked “I think he’s having the most fun of anyone here.” I think he was right. You couldn’t help but to be awed by this man’s verve. He loves his job, he loves his job, he loves his job. It was that evident. I’m fairly certain that given the choice to go back and do it all over again, he’d end up in exactly the same place.

The opportunity to see that lesson in practice–find your passion, follow your dream, develop your strengths–was priceless. Our boys didn’t have to listen to a lecture from us about the value of finding your passion. They saw it with their own eyes. We didn’t sit them down and say “Work hard boys. Follow your hearts and you will find your calling.” Nope. We didn’t have to say a thing. As our boys sat there watching and listening, they got to experience Victor Vanacore radiate love for his profession first-hand. They heard him talk about the early struggles and they heard him talk about winning a Grammy. And they watched him conduct and play with joy that was palpable. Thank you Mr. Vanacore. That lesson alone was worth every bit of cajoling it took to get the oxfords buttoned, the khakis worn, and the loafers on.